As i grew older i eventually knew life is never fair. it is so absurd to claim life is fair.
perhaps i am miles away from my parents and my family that i start to hide all my feelings.
i find it hard to spill out for i know everyone would said i am being stupid and fussing about trivial matters.
my first semester is coming to an end.
yeah i do look fine in facebook or in real life but deep down i know i wasn't fine.
maybe i am just being oversensitive and thinking too much. but it wasn't my fault when things refuse to go smoothly in my life in queensland.
i claimed i was doomed then i took it back.
but now i won't say i was doomed i would claimed that i am totally doomed.
SUPER DOOMED.
i do not know how to tell people what happened in my blog cause there are too many of them. clarifying that it has nothing to do with my friends and my houses....
just something concerning my studies.
no matter how much effort i put it from waking up at three till studying till eleven at night it just wouldn't work for me. no matter how much effort i put in my lab report, doing a much more precise than the others, i would always remain with a B. no mattter how much effort i put in my oral presentation and no matter how well i spoke, my tutor is always stricter than the others. no matter how much i want myself to be lucky again, i am always in the puddle of unfortunates.
i do not want to make my parents worried bout me.
i know i will somehow survive with these ordeals just like how i did previously.
the problem is that i am only tired of surviving over and over again.
i just hope sem 2 will be a better one.
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1 comment:
Perhaps by the time I type this comment, the imbroglio of your post no longer strike as relevant. Maybe, by this time, you have already found away about your predicaments and close the open wounds that seem to inflict not just you, but many. =)
Then again, it wouldn't hurt if I spare you a couple of words, no? XD First and foremost, I do not pretend to know a lot about life. In fact, I have been proven wrong more times than I have been otherwise. Secondly, I am not the smartest geek in the world. There are many who are more successful than I am, and they will always be a constant inspiration to me.
But for whatever I am not, and for whatever that I do not posses, I do know one thing: I am contented.
I am happy with what I have right now, with what life has done to me, and all the shit that has befallen me along the way.
My first REAL taste of life's betrayal was when I was rejected by the university of my first choice. I applied to 6 and was accepted by all 5 except one. To add salt to injury, my best friend from INTEC got into the university that I wanted. Mei Yueh got to Stanford. Tim too. It was during that week that I just kept questioning myself: What do these people have that I didn't? What have I done wrong?
The failure to find an conclusive answer silently torments me. I do not see myself as any inferior and I reckon I could do just as well, if not better, if I were just given a chance. I concluded life was...well...unfair.
But I will never forget what my mum told me the night of my rejection: One day when you look behind and connect the dots, you will finally understand that everything happens for a reason. I initially dimissed it as bullshit. And I still dismissed it as bullshit till now. It took me a full year to realize how maybe my mum is right after all.
In just one year alone, I published a policy paper, I traveled half the east cost of USA, I worked in a TV station, I did research with the uni, I volunteered in Equador, and now I am interning in the Dept of Aviation here in Chicago.
I LOVE MY UNI. And I wouldn't trade it for anything else. So, I started my personal yearly reflection diary with this sentence: what if I had gone to Upenn instead of Umich?
You see....sometimes life appears to be unfair because we haven't seen the full effects of each event. We were too quick to make judgements; too quick to assign blames before hearing or seeing anything out.
You did your best. It was an honest work. And tough teachers may screw you now, but we MIGHT thank them later. More often than not, life isn't unfair. It's just how we look at them.
Miracles don't happen to people sporadically. They happen everyday to everyone. It just depends on whether we can recognize it...or do we just take it for granted.
I have learnt a long time ago that grades weren't meant to be compared. If we really want to compare grades, I am afraid we are gonna be sad for a very long time. The purpose and enlightenment of a tertiary education is that we finally get inspired by what we learn and the joy in the process of learning.
It's about giving it our all. And then be happy with what we have knowing that we have done our best. =)
There is a Spanish poet that famously remarked: "There is no such thing as a pre-set path in life. Path is only made by walking."
You have walked a long way now. So just keep on walking. The road may get rough, it may get shitty too...but just keep walking.
One day you'll blaze your own path.
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