I did not wrote a heartfelt post for a very long time as I was fully pampered back home.
But the 'thing' in me will never change, the thing = the brain of mine which wanders 10000000 miles across the sea everyday. Yeah, i am a fantasy dreamer, an unnecessary worrier,and a full-time pessimist. My heart is reluctant to return Brisbane. Studying in overseas is the dream of everyone, pursue the prestigious degree in a prestigious university. That was my dream when i was little, i had my dream into reality now, yet i wasn't happy. in fact, i was far from happy. And I am tired of being a Pierrot, someone who is not a fool but struggles to find something more in life.
I felt alienated studying in a country that doesn't belong to you and no matter how friendly the people there were, I always felt a part of me was missing and the bond i had with them isn't the same. Friends, that's the furthest we could be, Not best friends. Despite them, being really nice and sweet, I find myself difficult to trust them because we are not from the same cultural background. For instance, I can't crap with them about 'Pig stomach soup' which I doubt they ever tasted it before. At times, I had to stop myself from blurting out random 'Hokkien' or 'Malay' during conversations to avoid the 'wft' look from them.
When i was doing my foundation, I had one of the best time studying despite the less famous, unhygienic and isolated college. I had the best roommate who share pretty much the same passion with me in music, the most awesome classmates that made me laugh frequently, the friendliest next-door/ down-stairs neighbour, the best dinner session in mamak stalls, the best karaoke session ever in a VIP room for a normal rate and the most memorable moment of tumbling down the stairs with my neighbours swinging their doors open to laugh at me.
But yet the one i miss most is my secondary life, especially Form 5. When I was hanging out with my friends lately, they told me they hated me back in Form 2 because I seemed more superior than them. To think about it again, I never really had many friends since young and especially after I skipped to standard 5 where my presence wasn't welcomed at all in 5 Hijau (my primary life) Everyone looked at me as if I was the intruder of their class. Honestly my dear friends, do you really hate PTS students back then? I even received 'surat layang' from my classmates, shoo-ing me out from their class. Sadly, I am so unlikeable back then. Things became worse when I was elected as the Head Prefect in my primary school where my classmates isolated me completely except a few. It was only till Form 5 where I sat beside Jyi changed my social life entirely. I never regretted a single moment of it because That's exactly how I met all my current best friends.
Making friends ain't difficult for most people but for me, it is like a pain in the ass. Yes, best fitted description ever. I hate making first move in knowing someone. I am always concerned about people's impression on me. That's why I never make friends. It's stupid, I know but I will never approach someone unless someone approach me first. So forget about me going up to you to say HI even if i know you well. Don't ask me why. I hate that part of mine too and that's why I sucks a big time in long distance friendship because I never laid any effort to retain it despite I cherish the friendship more than myself in reality.
I never make friends easily and that's a fact. Just look at my own Malaccan friends, I knew them since Form 1 but I was only close to them in Form 5. My closest buddy ever, Seow Lin. I knew her since Standard One but we were only attached to one another in Standard 5. It took freaking 4 years to develop both friendship I had know. Intec, I knew my friends like Koo, Mary anne, Melissa, Carolyn since Sem 1 but we were only close in Sem 3. It took freaking 1 year to build our friendship. And once I own the friendship, I treasured it more than anything.
And because of those ridiculous characteristic of mine, I never make many friends in Brisbane and I felt so isolated and even more alienated in an unknown place. I do not like strangers and I hate random people trying to be your friends all of the sudden. And All of that, sums up to my pathetic unhappy life in Brisbane. Alright, not really pathetic, just far from the university life i dreamed when i was little.
p/s: Oh, if you took the time to read till this sentence, you are awesome and I respect your patience to read an entire long draggy post. If you reach till this point and totally freaking out that I might be a social phobic, sorry to disappoint you but I am not. That's just me, a sad Pierrot and a more homely person. If you read till here and you are one of my friend, please be my friend forever because I do not own your friendship easily. Thanks.
p/s p/s: This is the most genuine post ever written in my blog while listening to my top rated korean songs.
