Make Me Smile Again

oh well, if you hate reading emotional stuffs, scroll your mouse to the right and click on the 'X' button.

semester one of Year 2 was one of my worst six months. i could have possibly been crying a gallon of tears on most of the weeks for different reasons and it sucks for sure. everything was just not right this year. i don't blame on my unfortunate luck but i guess everyone has a turning point in your life and you need something bad before something good comes. though the good has not arrived yet, the endless 'bad' issues are getting unbearable. if you are disappointed continuously for more than six weeks, it would be totally impossible to be positive about it anymore. i do admit at times i thought of giving up and flying straight back home, hiding in my mum's arm. but life ain't that easy. i told myself not to give up and this ain't a big deal at all and so i move on, fall again and stand up and fall again. it hurts. hurt tremendously in fact.

four years ago, back in high school, i was in my best phase of life. i was top in everything i did, feeling utterly happy and hardly knew the meaning of sad. but right now, everything was so ironic. i was totally at my rock bottom with low self-esteem. sometimes i asked myself how did i created all those wonders back in school that people look upon me? how quickly i could mend problems back then and how amazing i was back then. but now i lost everything. the worst thing to lose in your life is confidence. and i did.

the biggest mistake i ever did in my life was fearing the way people look at me. i am nothing near of a social phobia but more like a judgment phobia. i was so conscious about people's judgement on me that i tried to be the girl that everyone loves. even in my blog, i restrained myself from posting so many things because i feared of being judged, laughed upon and criticized. yes i hate criticism and i am a total loser in accepting them. and because of my self-consciousness, i lost who i wanted to be and i lost myself.

sometimes i did really wondered what was i crying about, what was i worrying about and what the hell was wrong with me. and i even wondered if anyone else was in the same situation like me or was it just me looking things at the wrong way. i pondered upon so many things and i never find the right answers to my questions.

indeed, i was truly glad that my semester was finally over despite the heartbreaking moments in two weeks time. Honestly, i am not looking forward for semester two. i am not looking forward for tomorrow. i am not looking forward for the future either. yes i know i should not be acting that way. but to bring me back to my top, it will take ages. i am so lost right now and i hope it is just a transient of being an adult. well, i know it doesn't make sense but i am trying my best to reassure myself that i am not in the brink of depression, panic attack or what-so-ever weird kind of mental disorders. it is just something that everyone experience at one point of their life or maybe not. i do really hope for sunshine in everything i does, from uni stuffs to personal stuffs. but everything was so cloudy lately and i am really sick of crying. life is about how you control them but if your luck is utterly hideous, no matter how well you control it, it will still turn out to be like a total crap. and worst, all the efforts you put in seems like nothing.

it is pretty pointless blogging about this post. but i could no longer hold it to myself. i am just a human, searching for comfort and finding the pathway that i lost. and will i find it again? only time will tell. but rest reassure at least i am still alive and breathing. =D